


They Say Love is Pain (Well Darling, Let's Hurt Tonight)

by ShootingStar13



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Arguing, Canonical Character Death, Communication, Dysfunctional Family, Love Confessions, M/M, What-If, but we know that's temporary, for once in their goddamn lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 09:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21195668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShootingStar13/pseuds/ShootingStar13
Summary: What if those two civilians hadn't gotten into an argument over parking in the grocery store parking lot during Eddie's rant to Buck? What if Eddie actually let Buck know why he was upset with him. What if that reason is because Buck's cutting off contact with him and Christopher brought back memories of Shannon leaving? What if during the argument in the store went on longer and revealed more than the rest of the 118 needed to know?In which, during the grocery store scene in episode five, Eddie calls Buck "Shannon" when he's yelling at him.





	They Say Love is Pain (Well Darling, Let's Hurt Tonight)

Eddie almost can’t believe he’s hearing these empty apologies and awful excuses so he interrupts when he’s had enough.

“Oh yeah,” He says as Buck stumbles through his words mid-sentence. “What did you think was going to happen?” He asks, giving no time for anyone to answer.

But Eddie’s questions are rhetorical, he knows this as he asks them, so he continues speaking and asking more questions as he tries getting this rage off his chest.

“The lawsuit’s bad enough, but you told your lawyer everything about us.” Eddie feels the rage boiling deeper within as he continues. “Personal things.” He adds, recalling the accusatory and blatantly painful things that Buck’s lawyer brought up during the hearing.

“You’re supposed to be truthful with your lawyer,” Buck says then his gaze hardens. “Why are you so pissed at me?” He asks like he doesn’t already know why exactly Eddie is pissed at him.

This just pisses Eddie off more.

“Because you’re exhausting!” Eddie says as he steps away from his shopping cart and closer to Buck. “We all have our own problems, but you don’t see us whining about it. Somehow we just manage to suck it up. Why can’t you?”

Chimney pipes up from beside him.

“Well, that’s kind of harsh.” He says. “It’s not like the guy asked to be crushed by a ladder truck.”

In a calmer state of mind, Eddie might have agreed with Chimney, but right now, he needs to let himself be angry and hurt.

“No, but he filed a stupid lawsuit and now I can’t even talk to you because of it.”

Eddie can hear someone outside yelling but purposefully ignores it, figuring it’s nothing, and instead he finally says what he’s been meaning to say for over a week now.

“Do you know how much Christopher misses you?” Eddie asks and it looks like Buck is about to say something but he doesn’t, instead, Eddie scoffs and shakes his head. “How could you? You’re not around.”

“I didn’t realize that,” Buck replies.

Because of course he didn’t realize it.

“M-maybe I can come visit Christopher, you know? The lawsuit doesn’t prevent that.”

If this were a cartoon, Eddie knows that his face would be turning red, rising higher and higher before reaching the top of his head which would blow off comically before falling back down and magically reattach itself to the rest of his head.

“No, it prevents me from reaching out to you.” Eddie says and without thinking, he adds, “and I couldn’t even call you to bail me out of jail.”

Buck gives him a confused tilt of the head, like a puppy does when he doesn’t understand something. Which in hindsight is adorable, but Eddie is too pissed to think about that, so pissed that he almost doesn’t realize his mistake until he notices Bobby giving him the Concerned Dad Look.

So quickly, Eddie tries to fix it by bashfully saying,

“—If that was something that happened.”

Nice save Diaz, he thinks to himself.

“What? What are you talking about?” Buck asks then quickly adds, “Look man, why—why can’t you see my side of this?”

Angrier, Eddie steps forward, unleashing everything that has been pent up inside.

“Because that’s all you see Shannon!”

And then it’s quiet and Eddie reels back, suddenly realizing his second mistake made that afternoon.

_Shannon_.

He called _Buck_, _Shannon_.

Buck blinks as his confusion suddenly twists into a realization, and it’s obvious that it is a similar realization to one that Eddie is having.

He’s seeing the similarities now, Buck being such an important—dare he admit—parental figure in Christopher’s life and suddenly cutting off contact with him and Eddie while also disappearing for over a week, brought back a flood of memories to Eddie. He remembers the anger and confusion. He remembers the betrayal and sadness. He remembers everything he felt the first few days after Shannon had decided to leave and now?

Now he’s feeling these things all over again with Buck. 

Then there’s the heart-shattering second realization, that, during the tsunami, Eddie could have also lost Buck like he lost Shannon. Buck could have died. He could have drowned in the ocean, he could have been beaten up against a building by the massive wave, he could have trapped, pinned underneath the debris, suffocating to death, cold and alone, or he could have bled out because of the blood thinners he was on.

Then Christopher would have had to go through losing another parental figure in his life and Eddie would have in turn lose another person he loves so dearly. 

It’s both these realizations that pull Eddie out of Buck’s personal space and he can hear the team whispering to each other, he can’t exactly make out what they are saying, but he knows it’s probably something along the lines of a bet on whether or not Eddie would be the one to confess first.

And though he didn’t actually say those three words to Buck, it’s been implied this entire time they’ve been arguing.

“Eddie…” Buck says, tears now more prominent in his light blue eyes.

“We’ll give you two some space to talk.” Bobby suddenly says, ushering everyone to the check-out line.

Eddie can still feel the eyes on him and Buck though. The team may have given them the space but they’re still watching to see what happens between them and Eddie isn’t so sure himself what will happen, but he knows he’s basically confirmed, out loud, that he loves Buck to Buck’s face so that’s something they’ve got to talk about now.

“Eddie, I didn’t realize…” Buck says once more and Eddie isn’t so sure if the idiot he loves so much even knows the meaning of that phrase anymore.

“How—how could you not realize?” Eddie asks, “I know we joke, but damn Buck, I know you’re not stupid.”

Buck bites his lip, and a few tears fall from his eyes.

“I just, I didn’t realize—I didn’t know—” He pauses and takes a deep breath before continuing. “I didn’t know that I meant that much to Christopher, or to you for that matter,” Buck says.

Eddie sighs and goes to rub his face with his hands, to try to clear away some of the exhaustion he feels. But it isn’t until he touches his face he realizes he’s also crying.

“You honestly think that Christopher doesn’t—that I don’t—” Eddie pauses and runs his hand through his hair. “You honestly think that we don’t love you, Buck?” He asks, taking a step forward, closing off the space between them.

Gently, Eddie takes hold of Buck’s hands in his own.

“I’m sorry,” Buck says. “I just…no I know…I—I have insecurities, Ed.” Buck admits, choking on a sob. “Maddie was the only one to tell me she loved me when I was younger, my father hated my guts, my mother wanted nothing to do with me…I know these aren’t good excuses, but you have to know Eddie, I don’t know—I never truly know, how much I’m needed and wanted by those I love.”

Eddie feels his heartbreaking in half and he moves one hand up to cup Buck’s cheek.

“If you need me to, I will tell you and I will show you just how much you mean to me every second of every day Evan Buckley.”

Buck sniffs, his eyes clouded with tears, and his jaw tense. Buck opens his mouth to say something more but then Eddie sees Hen walking their way.

“I’d hate to interrupt…” She starts, “but we’ve got a call to get to Eddie.” Hen says.

Eddie almost wants to ignore the call, tell Hen that being here with Buck and finally getting everything off his chest is more important than some stranger, but he doesn’t, instead, he nods and let’s go of Buck’s hand. He lingers though, for a second, almost worried to leave Buck in fear of never getting to see or speak to him again.

“We’re finishing this conversation.” Eddie finally says as he steps away.

“Okay,” Buck says, almost unsure too if he’d get to see Eddie afterward. “Stay safe.” He tells him and Eddie knows those words aren’t just meant for him, but for the whole team as well.

He’ll make sure to deliver the message later and offers Buck a small smile before turning around.

But he wants to turn back around, to assure himself Buck is still there, still okay and still able to talk to him. But he can’t turn around, he just has to trust that this time will be different.

Eddie and Hen quickly leave the grocery store and jump into their seats in the fire truck, driving out of the parking lot, alarms blaring as they head off to answer the call for help.

After saving two drivers from an accident caused by road rage, Eddie checks his cell phone in the truck on the way back to the station.

He sees that he has a text from Buck.

** _Buck:_ **

** _Neither you nor the team nor Christopher are obligated to forgive me anytime soon. _ **

** _But I figured you should all know that I dropped the lawsuit and that I will be doing whatever I need to do to show and prove how sorry I am to all of you. _ **

** _If you want me by after your shift, we can continue talking too. I know there are some things I still have yet to tell you, Eddie._ **

Eddie doesn’t bother replying with anything more than telling a time to Buck for him to come over at since he will be talking to Buck about everything else soon enough. But he knows now, that though he may still be angry with Buck, at least now he understands why he is angry.

Eddie also knows that he’s in love with Buck and he wants to be able to tell him that and hopefully, they can fix what has been broken between them as they try to work towards something entirely new.

**Author's Note:**

> So this happened. I hope you enjoyed! I got the idea suddenly and it wouldn't go away until I finished it! Now onto my ten other 9-1-1 (mostly buddie centric) wips! 
> 
> Wrote this in two hours with barely any editing, so like bare with me on that.


End file.
